Wednesday, September 6, 2017

I can fight

I've been working on this on and off all day.  Should I post it, should I not, but given what this month is, I feel I need to.

Today, I'm full of tears.  A family member is dying, and there is nothing I can do.  She's dying of cancer.

Writing has been my outlet for several years now.  I started writing about this detective, who was different, and I came to realize over the past several months it was my outlet for my Aspergers.  I even wrote him having it, though I didn't realize it at the time.

The past few months I've been open as I can about my mental illness (Aspergers and General Anxiety).  I've written for the Mighty, I've contributed the best I can to campaigns, especially suicide prevention month.

This weekend, I had the worst breakdown I've had in a long, long time.  I was so down in the dumps, and then yesterday news came about my family member.  My anxiety literally said, my bad, and walked away.  See as bad as it gets, the anxiety can't kill me.  Only I can decide to do that.  My cousin, she can't fight that.  She's losing, and soon, she will just lose.  Those may be the most painful words I have ever written, but they are true.  I've learned something from this, and I swear to God, I wish if me not learning it would keep her here.  In the end, it's my choice in this battle, and make no mistake, it is a battle.  Every day.  I am going to lose some days, but I don't have to lose the war.  My cousin, she has no choice, she's going to lose the war.

So do me a favor, hug those that are close, tell them you love them, and those you wish that relationship was different with, do something about it. I love you all.  This life is too short not to say. it.

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