Thursday, August 24, 2017

Why Did I Wait?

If you're like me, you have certain preconceived ideas.  One of mine was the side effects of anxiety pills weren't worth the rewards. Let me tell you what happened to me on Wednesday.  I took my first whole pill Wednesday (before had been all half pills).  We had two meetings at work to go to, one after another, and typically I would have been what I used to think were all nerves before.  What I learned Wednesday is it had always been anxiety.  We got in the car, me in the passenger seat.  I am that guy that when I'm not driving, I always have to tell you which way to go, because you might not know, or pay attention and if I don't we could be late and then people will look at us.  (Breathe.)

As I sat down, I was looking outside, thinking the sky was very bright.  As the driver, my boss, took the exit, my thought was, that's not right, but oh well, what do I know?  From the backseat, my coworker said, "You're going the wrong way!"  The next exit was 20 miles down the highway.  Usually I would be a basketcase, but all I thought was, oh well.  We might have done one of those u-turns you're not supposed to do, and if we did I would have been very upset over that, because that could get us in trouble, but if we did, I didn't care.  (I can neither confirm or deny that last statement).  At this point I looked at my watch saw we were late and did something I never did before.  I shrugged about being late.

Part of me nearly lost it's mind, but the part that was in control said, "Sit back, relax, look at the beautiful sky."  And I did.  After our appointment was done we got back into the car, the driver almost missed the turn again, because I was looking at the sky, and I just shrugged.  I'm not a zombie, it's just kinda rude to always tell someone where to go, right?  You really shouldn't do that unless asked, and I wasn't so why should I, besides, we'll get there when we get there.  I've reached a level of chill I didn't know was possible in me.

Later on in the day, I found my jaw felt weird, because I had been smiling all day.  I danced to Taylor Swift with my daughter last night, ever though I looked ridiculous.  My wife is looking at me like, "Who is this guy?"  I'm changing, I'm not worried, I don't have a 1,000 ridiculous thoughts flooding me and overwhelming me.  They still come, but they're stupid, who cares.  Why did I wait so long?  What was I scared of?  Is this how I'm supposed to live life, because it is pretty cool.  I'm not worried about stuff I can't control, I'm not freaked out about the grass being too high in the yard.  I still remembered to set the bills to be paid next month.  I'm not a zombie, or experiencing mania, I still care about things that are important, but the other stuff, so what.

Why did I wait?

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