It's coming up on two years since I was diagnosed with social anxiety and aspergers, over a year since I've been put on medication, and it's easier, but it's still hard.
"David, are you doing okay?"
"Yeah, sure, how are you? Hey did you see x or How was that thing you did."
I'm not doing okay and I just deflected you. What, you didn't notice that when you asked how I was I made sure and remembered what your favorite topic of conversation was and moved it on to that?
Why would I want to tell you I'm a mess inside, that my heart is racing, that I'm just scared to face the day? Why would I tell you that all I want to do is cry? Why would I tell you that I've been masking this for 44 years and I'm a damn pro at it? Why would I tell you that I don't even know what I want to talk about? That I've been deflecting and avoiding for so long I haven't a clue how to begin talking about me.
When I do get the courage to say something, to be be fair, something so vague that no one picks up on it, and no one follows up or asks me, I shut it down.
Life's been easier the past two years, but it's still so hard, and I don't know how to change that.