Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Why is it so hard?

It's coming up on two years since I was diagnosed with social anxiety and aspergers, over a year since I've been put on medication, and it's easier, but it's still hard.

"David, are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, sure, how are you? Hey did you see x or How was that thing you did."  

I'm not doing okay and I just deflected you.  What, you didn't notice that when you asked how I was I made sure and remembered what your favorite topic of conversation was and moved it on to that?

Why would I want to tell you I'm a mess inside, that my heart is racing, that I'm just scared to face the day?  Why would I tell you that all I want to do is cry?  Why would I tell you that I've been masking this for 44 years and I'm a damn pro at it?  Why would I tell you that I don't even know what I want to talk about?  That I've been deflecting and avoiding for so long I haven't a clue how to begin talking about me.

When I do get the courage to say something, to be be fair, something so vague that no one picks up on it, and no one follows up or asks me, I shut it down.

Life's been easier the past two years, but it's still so hard, and I don't know how to change that.

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