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Monday, July 24, 2017

Just 5 Minutes

It's been a strange few weeks.  A few days ago, out of nowhere, feeling began to wash over me that I can't even begin to figure where the come from.  Out of nowhere came the thought that others would be better off without you.  I'm not talking suicide, because to be totally honest I'm to much of a chicken to ever attempt it. I'm talking just not being around. Not bothering my family or friends with my problems, with my insecurities, with me. Today, yesterday, and a lot of last week, I simply think I'm not worth the trouble. I find myself crying, just sad. I don't know what has brought it on, and I don't know how to fix it. My mantra for the past few days, just get through the next 5 minutes. It is exhausting. It is embarrassing. It is driving me crazy. I am tired. I am tired of fighting with myself. I am tired of people telling me I'm being ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous, but it won't stop. I will be alright, but whether it's today, tomorrow, or next week, I can't tell you when.  I envy those whose minds don't terrorize them. I envy those who thoughts don't haunt them every night while they try to sleep. Maybe one day I'll get control of my thoughts, but until then I'll keep fighting. But today, today I'm just tired.

2 comments:

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  2. Your feelings aren't ridiculous. You may not be able to connect them to anything tangible, but they aren't ridiculous. You feel what you feel when you feel it. I go through the same thing. Something tiny, insignificant - an off-hand remark, perhaps not even directed at me, sometimes - can set me off and I'm in the pit of despair. But they make you, you. For better or for worse. Don't listen to people trying to invalidate you or your feelings, even when it's you. Maybe especially when it's you. I'm not around you, never even met you, but you've brought a little happiness to my life on occasion. Keep fighting the fight, knowing the good that's on the other side. Anjanette

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